These are some of my journal entries about my personal journey through the very depths of despair. They are my thoughts and feelings and should be read in the context that they were written. I feel like I have gone through the valley of pain and anger to the peace that is found on a mountain top. 22 November 2006 Today started out as a normal day. Little did I know what a dreadfully sad day it was going to be. I went to the midwife, as normal but she could not find Faith’s heartbeat. (We had chosen a name for our little girl years ago.) I wanted to die – this was just a mistake. She asked me to make my way to the day unit at the Hospital. I made my way to a friends house with my youngest. My mind was racing. I did not want to worry my husband at work. My friend was the first person I could think of going to for help. I hoped she was in, what if she was not? When is opened the door, I could not control the tears. She told me to calm down and took control. She made arrangements for her children and she took me to the hospital. She kept my youngest with her and she promised to fetch my eldest from school. I kept my cool and everyone was really nice. At the day unit, they explained to the other ladies waiting that they needed to see me first. I was scared, I prayed that everything would be okay. They did a scan and then turned to me and said they were sorry, but there was no heartbeat. I wanted the world to open up. I then phoned my husband and told him that Faith had died. It was the hardest call I’ve ever made. I had prayed so hard through this pregnancy for Faith to be born healthy and for my body to provide her with all the nutrition that she would need. I felt betrayed by my Heavenly Father. I wanted her so much. I had to wait for my husband, he was approx. 2 hours away. It was the longest, loneliest wait of my life. I still could not accept what I was told and said that I wanted a second scan. One moment I would just want her out of me. I felt like she had rejected me. The next moment I wanted to keep her inside, maybe I could make her live. They arranged the scan for the next day. When my husband arrived, he looked so angry. It was so unreal. A midwife and a registrar came in and spoke to us. They said that we should take time to make our decisions and not to rush. I phoned my friend and told her. She said she was sorry and not to worry about the boys and to take our time. I kept hoping that this was just a nightmare and I would wake up. Hope can be a terrible thing. We left the hospital and went to the boys. It was such an awful thing to be told and it all seemed so very unreal. 23 November 2006 Today, we got a call to go for our second scan. When I arrived at the hospital, they told me to come with them and they put us in a room away from all the other pregnant woman. They were very thoughtful, although it could not make up for the loss that I was feeling. I knew that my hope was in vain. When they told me that the first scan was correct – there was no heartbeat and they were sorry but Faith was dead. I asked how big she was and if her head was down. I was trying to wrap my mind around this awful fact – my baby girl was dead. They told me that her head was down and that she was very small approx. the size of a 23 week old baby. I felt awful. This was so wrong – I wanted Faith so very much. I’ve waited for her my whole life, for what seems like forever. I’ve had all these hopes and dreams for her and I’ve loved her. She’s my little girl and now she’s not coming to stay with us. My heart wants to explode with grief. They told me to go up to the labour ward. We went to the labour ward and I got to speak to a midwife. I told her that they were worried in the scan department, as Faith was so small and they did not know how long she had been dead for. I felt like such a failure. I had not felt my little girl’s life slip away. She said not to worry, and to stick to our plan. We would come back to them in the morning – I just have to phone, so that they can make sure there is a room available. She said that she would see me tomorrow afternoon when she comes on duty. She was so lovely about everything. I can still not believe that it’s true. It still feels like a nightmare and if I could just wake up, everything would be okay. 24 November 2006 Today we took the boys to my friends house before school. Her mother-in-law was there and said that they would take care of the boys, not to worry. We went to the hospital at 10h00. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion. We went to the labour ward where we were met at the door by a midwife who took us through to a labour room. She tried to provide comfort and then left us alone. The grief counsellor then arrived to make arrangements Faith’s remains and said that at any time we could change our minds. The midwife came back later with a doctor and a registrar. They gave us more options. They suggested a change to the plan. They felt it would be better if I take a tablet and come back in the morning for the next tablet. They felt that it would be better as I had other children who needed me. They gave us time to chat about it and we decided to go with their suggestion. The midwife came back and explained that she would go and get the tablet. We got ready to go home. I had accepted that I would have one more day with Faith. It should have taken 15 – 20 mins to get the tablet but an hour and 30 mins later, we were still waiting. I started to get regular pains and I asked Richard to time them. He looked at me as if I was mad. They were not like the ones with my youngest. They were very low down and exceptionally painful. In fact, I tried to run away from them, by moving around the room. They were every 2 1/2 mins, lasting for approx. 40 seconds. Richard told me to call the midwife but I did not want to. I just wanted to go home. Eventually, I called her and she examined me. She said that my little girl was on the way. I was like no, not yet but I had no control. I felt her move down and out of me. There was just silence, when she came out. I was so worried that I would be repulsed by her lifeless body. The midwife was very compassionate and put her on my chest and said here’s your little girl. I looked at Faith’s lifeless body and just felt unconditional love for her. She’s my baby girl that I wanted so very much. I looked into my husbands eyes and it’s the first time that I have seen such grief and pain on his face. Later he expressed, just how angry he was on Wednesday and that this was the first time that a death had hurt him. I asked him to give Faith a name and a blessing, which he did. I know that it was the hardest thing in the world for him to do but I had to. He gave her, her name – Faith Angela Fourie and her blessing was that she was loved. He could not manage any more as he was so over come with emotion. It was a perfect blessing for a perfect girl. There was nothing more to say, his words said it all. Faith looked just like my boys, except that she was very small. She had dark hair and looked so peaceful. Her one hand was up like she was waving, goodbye, while the other rested on her little body. We have photos but they do not do her any justice. She’s my little precious, perfect angel. The anger and rage left me. Her whole birth took a total of 45 minutes. There was definitely a guiding hand in this process. I asked the midwife if I was alone with this awful experience and was told that another lady had just left and another was still in labour. All these women in the same position as us. The one had gone home to her children but the other was still in labour and this was her first. Here I thought how hard done by I was – how cheated and then I realised that at least I could go home to my two beautiful boys. When that poor girl goes home, she goes to nothing. They took Faith away and we left.